In the most recent episode of Girls, a character asks the question “do you think that I deserve all of the things that are happening to me?” In the last moments of my yoga class this evening, this question came echoing back into my brain. Do I deserve all the things that are happening to me?
In the spirit of honesty that I seem to be in lately, I think I’ve decided that yes, I do deserve all the things happening to me. I deserve the good and the bad. I deserve the change that I’m embracing. I will only further the good things in my life if I clear out all the negative thoughts and feelings. In light of recent personal development, I think I’m heading in a good direction. I can say that because for the first time in over 2 years I seem to be blogging regularly (ish) and have the mental capacity to sit still and finish a post. That’s a big deal to me.
But in respect to the people I’ve known and met, I also deserve all the things that have already happened to me. I did some shitty things to some people who, in retrospect, didn’t really deserve it. There are situations that I have rectified, there are situations that I have not. At this point, I don’t think it’s worth it to go back and try. It’s just weird sitting here and thinking that, on one hand, I think I’m a pretty nice, open, caring person and, in the other hand, I’m kind of the worst. I like to think other people have this internal battle as well, but I don’t know.
I think at this point, it’s too late to go back and fix what has past. I think at this point it only makes sense to move forward clearing out the cobwebs. I need to let go of my fear. It’s just important to be who I am and be the most honest version of myself.