Free writing is supposed to help keep all your creativity loose. So why is it that I always find it difficult to free write? It’s not like I have an outline to stay in. I find I always get distracted; looking at the time, finding a snack, checking my e-mail or Facebook, playing a game on my phone. I think the issue I have with free writing right now is that I let my mind be in too many places at once.
The other day Jake and I were talking about some things and I brought up my ability to think about 1,000 different things all at the same time, often referred to as multitasking I guess. I used to think that maybe it saved time, being able to do that, but now I think it just disrupts my ability to stay on one path for a long time. But I think I’m just a product of my time. With the prominance of all things electronic, we’re taught to be in 30 different places at once and to think about 30 different things at once. It’s hard to accept but maybe my writing style is changing?
I’ve toyed with the idea that maybe I’m ADD or ADHD; but then I don’t want to just give up and say I need the help of medication to do my most favorite thing in the world. I think I just need to retrain myself. I gave up writing for such a long time that I’ve forgetten how much I love it. I love how fast my fingers move; sweeping across the keyboard typing out my thoughts even before I have them. Like little extensions of my brain. I love creating the worlds I imagine and see in my head; a result, I’m sure, of years and years of being in love with fiction. I’ve dreamt for such a long time that I will write a book someday and I really want to make it to that point.
For the past almost two years now I’ve been working for a small private label credit card company. I never in a thousand years saw myself working for something like this but I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity. Working in an environment like this has really taught me a lot about myself, about office life, about working for a national company. It’s been an interesting journey; however, I’ve slowly found that there are things that have changed about me since I began here. I am prone to the negative in any situation now more than ever before. I think it’s due to the work I do and that’s not really who I am. I find that when I do get time to write, it’s more formal and strict than I’m used to. Creative and free writing has become more laborious then usual. Instead of always looking at the brighter side and trying my best to give the benefit of the doubt, I jump to the opposite. It’s taken me a while to realize these things about myself but with the help of Jake and my best of friends, Joanna, I think I’m able to take a handle of these changes.
All of that leads to my realization that I need a more creative outlet; I need to find a career that allows me to use the parts of my brain that I’ve put on hold for such a long time. I want to live in a white space where I spend time each day creating my environment. Hense the sudden need for free writing. When I began this session today, I had no idea I was heading down this path. But here I am; feeling content with my writing session and happy that I’m able to be so confident about my views. I know I can take all the lessons and experiences from my job here at the credit card company and apply them to other aspects of my life; I’m not denying that this has been a good experience. I just know it’s time to start thiniking about what I really want to spend the rest of my life doing. And that, my friends, is writing.